Why Doritos Suck

As you have seen in a previous article, all of us believe that Doritos are indeed one of the cornerstones of the chip market, and there is little debate over the validity of the Dorito as a genuine chip. Nevertheless, all of us feel that Doritos are a highly overrated and indeed a downright disgusting snack food, the kind of thing casual aficionados will eat as opposed to real chip enthusiasts. I would like to make the case for why Doritos suck and why they should be abolished from the market altogether, as there is no hope for their salvation.

According to the most scholarly source I can find, Wikipedia, Doritos were invented by a man named Arch West, one of the top men at Frito Lay, Inc., who came up with the novel idea of covering a typical corn chip with a morass of interesting flavors, the most obvious of course being Nacho Cheese. Over the years, all sorts of flavors have been added, and in fact the very shape of the chip was significantly re-hauled during a 1993 campaign to define Doritos as different from typical restaurant corn chips. A man named Charles Grady became a national laughing stock in 2003 for trying to sue Doritos because he believed their rigid edges had damaged his throat. Little did he know the bigger problem, which was that Doritos are so oversaturated with artificial flavors and blindness-inducing chemicals that the safety of his throat is almost a non-issue.

I have eaten a significant amount of Doritos in my day, but today I can no longer eat more than four or five of them at a time without getting sick. Part of the problem may be that there is no safe vantage point—there is no such thing as a regular, “plain” Dorito (otherwise known as a tortilla chip). Instead, there is Nacho Cheese, and it gets worse from there. Let’s run through some of them. Cooler Ranch is a particularly popular one, as are Smokin’ Cheddar BBQ and Spicy Sweet Chili, which was immortalized as the sponsor of Stephen Colbert’s presidential campaign on The Colbert Report (if you recall, Colbert barely found the chips palatable himself). Recently, Doritos has outdone itself by offering “Collisions,” wherein two flavors of chips are brought together to resemble something like a meal. So far, we have “Blue Cheese” and” Hot Wings” chips combined, as well as “Zesty Taco” and “Chipotle Ranch.” An excellent overview of virtually every Dorito available (including Peking Duck) can be found here.

Obviously, it would be hypocritical of me to criticize Doritos because of all the unhealthy artificial chemicals they put on there, considering that nearly all chips do that to a degree, but even by those standards, the taste of Doritos is beyond the pale. One criterion for what makes a good chip in my opinion is that it is eminently consumable in vast qualities and doesn’t immediately make you feel awful upon eating it. Baked Lays may be plain, but one can eat a lot of them and feel that they compliment certain meals, such as hamburgers and hot dogs. Nothing goes with Doritos because they try cramming every single taste in one chip, but of course it is a bowdlerized and slightly sinister version of tastes we have had before that were quite superior in their actual form. Compare Nacho Cheese chips with some actual nachos with cheese, and see which one you can eat more of without clutching your insides with pain. While all chips taste better with a tasty beverage on hand, Doritos are the only chips I know that make me immediately go to the nearest water fountain in order to get the intense chemical taste out of my mouth.

I believe I may be actually prejudiced in this regard. In general, I find that artificial flavors are far more palatable on potato chips than they are on corn chips. This is merely an aesthetic choice on my part, and I invite others to disagree. I prefer my corn chips or tortilla chips to be plain or salty, because they are meant to be paired with sauces like salsa or dip. Adding flavors on top of that is a disconcerting practice that does no flavor to the chip itself and only serves to illuminate the quality it lacks.

Finally, Doritos get all over your hands. They aren’t as bad as Cheetos in this regard, but the fake cheese on Cheetos is infinitely tastier than whatever gross ranch dressing-MSG junk that gets on my hand. In general, I prefer washing my hands instead, which won’t be that much of a burden considering I’ll probably be around the sink trying to wash the foul mixture out of my mouth.

I hope that I have empirically proven that, amongst the big six in the canon, Doritos have shown the lowest level of quality through the years, and no amount of significant retooling of their franchise with save them from being known as the kind of chip only laymen (no pun intended) can appreciate.

The Frito-Lay, Inc Chip Canon

For anything scholarly to have any sort of strength it must have a canon of equal strength. The society of Chips Enthusiasts is no different from English or Film in this sense. In order for the people to understand what we are thinking as scholars an outline must be created to give a base for our thoughts. Only once a code has been put in place can arguments be constructed. It is important to note that these are the beginnings of the canon and it will take shape as we continue, in a forward arch as is important to any field of knowledge, on our education journey into the depths of chip enjoyment.

The Canon that I feel is the easiest to outline is the Frito-Lay, Inc. Canon. I am aware of, and fully support smaller companies, such as Old Dutch Food, Inc, but for the sake of argument I will stick with the Frito-Lay history of the chip. Personally, I would prefer not to do this but since I hold a small hope of gaining some corporate sponsorship I will use this format and save my true stance for later commentary under a name one would assume is not my real name. But until then I will continue discussing a Frito-Lay based history of the chip. Frito-Lay has become even more of a conglomerate after becoming partners with Pepsi Corp., but this fact has nothing to do with how my chips taste, except that they have the after-taste of corporate America ingrained into every ridge and pore of a Frito-Lay, Inc. chip.

The company "Frito" first began in 1932 with a man named Elmer Doolin, who purchased 19 corn chip recipes for one hundred dollars and began making Fritos chips in his mother’s kitchen. The company did not make a large-scale production for a few years, but this is the beginning of the corn chip giant that dominates the markets of today. During the same time period a man named Herman W. Lay was starting a potato chip business in Tennessee. Both companies experienced a boom following World War II, as many companies in America did, and joined in 1961. What began as two small-time companies grew into the shoes their markets demanded and started what was to become Frito-Lay, Inc. This is the company that has been continually sold to larger and larger companies while maintaining the same basic selection of products along with the continual addition of other flavors and chip types to their ranks. These two opposing companies, by joining together, became the largest chip manufacturer in the United States. I am trimming the fat of history but these are the important events as I see them. The important factors in this case are that there was a development of corn and potato chips at a very tremulous time in American history which has influenced our diet henceforth.

As stated moments ago, the most steadfast and important distinction of chips is the difference between potato and corn chips. Both are part of the beginning but they have different goals in their usage and should be treated separately as such. With this in mind the two beginnings of chips can be described.

The most important top of the hierarchy of chips, for me at least, are Fritos corn chips and Lay's potato chips. These are the giants of chips. Like them or not they are the basis for all other chip types. Flavors are a section for later discussion but as you will find, the majority of the flavors will be applied to these basic chips. The potato chip being more versatile allowed it to have more flavors applied to it at the onset but the corn chip have been reformulated to allow easier snacking and flavor application, a excellent marketing tool in the constantly changing snack market. I personally am inclined to enjoy Fritos basic corn chip as one of the most simple and tasty snacks of the salt and corn market but my colleagues are not as keen on this original chip. From these two chips the canon can be expanded upon.

After the early development of Fritos and Lay’s and their conglomeration, the aftermath created Doritos, Tostitos, and Cheetos. Of the three there is debate about two of them. The standard line is that Doritos suck and I argue that Cheetos are not a chip. With this in mind I feel that their presence is strong enough that they are part of the canon due to their importance and with some prodding from my colleagues. In recent history the addition of Kettle Chips has been welcomed to the Canon and I might personally add with some joy. The kettle chip is possibly the best addition to the world of chips in many years but this discussion yet again is better saved for a better time.

So there you have it, the big six of the Frito-Lay Chip Canon. To reiterate the six are: Fritos, Lay’s Potato Chips, Doritos, Cheetos, Tostitos, and Lay’s Kettle Chips. Each of these types performs a different function in the snacking world. I will proceed to describing the value of each of these products from the aspect of the five senses. I will break it down in the order of sight, sound, feel, taste and finish with smell. This next section is quite detailed and is only important for a person who may wish to try and become as educated on the subject of the Frito-Lay Canon.
The Fritos’ purpose is the most obvious. It is a salty corn chip that can be munched on anytime any place. It is not unappealing. Simple yellow with variations of brown, it appears similar to its creator, the illustrious ear of corn. It continues to be similar to corn in that it is best enjoyed due to it is cooked and salted for a better taste. The sound of Fritos is also not unappealing. It is, as stated before, crunchy, and makes a strong chip sound. It can be used as an annoyance to fellow occupiers of space or it can be enjoyed discreetly and quietly when snacking, rather than annoyance, is a persons primary goal. The touch of the Frito is one of its few draw backs; it is very greasy and requires some sort of wipe after consumption. With this in mind this same feature can be said of all chips to a certain extent. The taste, the most crucial part, is classic. The term classic here implies all of the joys of nostalgia that can be found in a taste. When one eats Fritos, it may be more for the image than for the actual enjoyment. This is debatable but still a factor. The final part of this description is smell. To the best of my knowledge there is no after smell that is found on a person that has eaten Fritos. This can be very handy and is a major difference between Fritos and other chips that make up this canon.

The Lay’s potato chip is very similar to Fritos in purpose and enjoyment value. It is simple to observe, meaning at least somewhat pleasing to the eye, and it contains of its properties the strength of quality crunch. Yet again a major drawback is that it is greasy and will require either pants or napkins to relieve this issue. The Lay is also a classic taste, but unlike the Fritos, it taps into the sensation of potatoes rather than the flavor of corn. I leave preference up to the devourer. The Lay also contains the property of not being an offensive smell. The Lay can be summed up as a salty, crunchy, potato chip that can be enjoyed anytime anywhere that pants are available.

The Doritos brand is too extensive to really describe in this location. Some key universal characteristics of Doritos can however be elaborated on. The Dorito is an ugly triangular chip that bears the distinction of being clearly mass produced. It is covered in artificial flavor to the point that I barely can tell what the base of my snack is. This may be desirable for some but I am what some may call a “Classic Chip Enthusiast” which has lead to some disagreements with my contemporaries. Doritos sound alright. They have crunch. This is the only redeeming quality about them. Continuing on, after one notices that the Dorito they are about to consume is ugly and covered in a smothering layer of “flavor” the next problem of the Dorito is that this “flavor” sticks to every surface it can be put into connection with. It bends its will to try and stain everything you touch after consuming it so as to find more possible ways to advertise its existence. Unlike the greasy nature of Fritos and Lay’s, the Doritos touch is griping. Everyone will know what a person has been eating if there is not a trip taken to the sink or a through cleaning using ones mouth and saliva. I personally would recommend the sink for cleaning off hands for it may be possible to also rinse the mouth. This seems like an opportune moment to discuss the aroma of Doritos. They stink. They will make a person stink. Everyone will know that Doritos has been consumed and that the individual who has consumed them is now drastically less attractive. If one has eaten enough of them even mouth wash and a good tooth scrubbing may not be enough to cleanse the mouth of this horrid odor. The last, and as troubling feature as the others, is the Doritos flavor. There are too many of them. I personally think that Doritos marketing must think that if they produce Doritos in every possible flavor that they will sell. It must be true for new flavors are constantly coming and going in the chip market. As a Classic Chip Enthusiast this sort of abuse of chips is unacceptable. All of these flavors are not necessary and take away from the quality of individual chip flavors. I may enjoy a Sour Cream and Onion but there is no way that I want to eat a Ketchup flavored Dorito. If I want ketchup on my chip I will dip an unflavored chip in ketchup and enjoy the satisfaction of the actual flavor. I do not need “scientists” working away in a lab trying to capture flavors like Pokémon! These reasons give way to why I believe Doritos are the egregious bastards of the chip family.

Now, I have the privilege to discuss one of my personal favorites of the Canon, Tostitos. Tostitos are a wonderful invention. They can be used as a standalone snack or dipped in delicious salsa. Tostitos make a much better tool for this function than the distant cousin of chips, the cracker, and specifically Saltines. Tostitos are visually very appealing. Light and crunchy with a layer of salt that can only entice one to snack upon this corn delicacy. These chips are crunchy and have a surprisingly minimally residue. They at most will leave a person’s hands a little salty or almost floury in much the same way as their parent food, the tortilla. The taste of Tostitos is very simple. It is salt, corn, and flour. It, as stated before, it quite the compliment to the strong flavor of a good salsa. Last, the smell of Tostitos is also minimal to not noticeable. No one will be trying to give mints after a person has eaten this delicious snack.

This is where I would discuss Cheetos, but since I do not abide by this as being a chip I will leave it up to my colleagues to fill in this blank. I also will leave the kettle chip for later discussion because it is more closely related to baked chips, which makes both of these chips ripe for later definition. Now, as a reader of ChipEnthusiast, you should have the knowledge of the most important chips and how they are viewed by this Classic Chip Enthusiast.

From these giants of snacks all discussion can flow and the beginnings of arguments has been set in motion.

Chip Manifesto

Greetings, and welcome to Chip Enthusiast. We are a blog initially created by three college students who were united by our abiding love and overwhelmingly powerful interest in chips. As far as we know, there is no comparable publication who does what we do either in print or on the internet. Since that is the case, you should expect this site to be the best place for informed discussion and debate about chips.

We are aware that the concept of "chip" is mellifluous at best, and various attempts will be made to define it. However, we are not an organization that can claim with 100% certainty what a chip is, technically. Part of what we do on this blog will be to discuss our different concepts of what is defined as a chip, and readers should expect a healthy and vibrant debate. A "chip" is more of a state of mind than it is a set of rules and circumstances, and we will also celebrate the great chip inventors who were brave enough to blur the line between what a chip is and what it isn't. Chip canonization is a subject we will discuss in detail, which again is something we're pretty sure hasn't been done before.

You should expect the following: reviews of all different kinds of chips (generally done on a five-star scale), appraisals of different chip flavors and sub-genres, philosophical musings on the role of chips in our society, and distillations of chip-related media. You should also expect a healthy distaste and even hatred for the most abominable and overrated of chips, Doritos. Expect the writing to be extremely critical and in-depth, with several sources cited if the situation requires it. Chip Enthusiast takes the role of chips in our society very seriously, and we are flabbergasted by the lack of serious critical literature regarding this most ubiquitous of snack foods. We exist because this is something we want to see rectified in the future.

Some of the exchanges will be heated, and might be too intense for the casual reader, but you should know this: we are passionate about what we do, and we apologize to no one regarding our chosen methods. Chip Enthusiast is not meant to be innocuous food-related reading fluff. It is meant to be subversive and in-your-face, a representation of the uncertain times we live in and the kind of chips these times tend to produce. If this makes you uncomfortable, go to Candy Blog. This blog promises to be the most in-depth and penetrating thing of its kind, ever.

So, if you, like us, are a Chip Enthusiast, welcome to your new home. Prepare to make history (chip-story?).